let’s speak up

CSA series, thoughts, what's up with me

I wanted to write about my last few months. From around January I started to discover that I was sexually abused and raped as a child at the age of 3 and 4.
It is so important to talk about these topics openly, it is a very complex issue that effects a huge percentage of population.
I think I will write about this topic from time to time because raising awareness and speaking from a personal perspective I think could be a good step towards the fight against sexual violence.

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more blue hair sketches

art, thoughts

 

There are two topics I was thinking about that are close to me. One is beauty, as always 😀 I think it is so easy to fall into either of these opinions about beauty: it is stupid and superficial and it doesn’t matter at all, so the best is to avoid it, or it is something we should always consider and maybe it’s even a kind of responsibility to for example look beautiful.
I think the search for beauty is  so deeply and naturally inside us. And we can find it in so many ways and in so many things. It’s in colors, shapes, sounds, stories, anything. And searching for that is I think just one of the things we do naturally.

Trying to collect that beauty we can see in the outside world and in some way adding it to ourselves I think is the most natural, fun and uplifting thing to do. And there is nothing superficial about it.

I don’t think it’s in any way a responsibility to do this all the time, having those days when you do absolutely nothing to look nice, those are fun too. And in the end, noone or nothing can take away that true beauty that is always inside you.

The other topic I like is why believing in things still matter. I see a lot of times people automatically giving up on positive or idealistic ideas and just accepting things working not really as they should be.

I think believing in things still matter because everything that ever happened or got created is the result of someone or more people believing in something and then making an effort to make that real. So if we stop believing in good things, good things will actually disappear. And I think that is true about relationships or work or justice or basically anything.

Of course, things won’t be always as we wanted or imagined ideally. But there is certainly way more chance them to happen compared to the scenario where we didn’t even believe in them at the first place.

searching for equality

thoughts

There is something that has been bugging me about love. To me love is something that is in every one of us, it is universal, you can find it in so many ways and in so many things.
It is about taking the time to understand and accept someone or something. It means a beautiful connection to me.

What makes me sad from time to time is when I experience inequality. In a lot of situations I see that people think about love in a hierarchical manner: committed monogamous heterosexual relationships come first, everything else after that.

I think any type of connection can be worthy and appreciated, regardless of how many people are involved, how long does it last, is it committed or not, genders, sexualities, age, race, anything.

I really wish that more people would recognise the beauties and values in relationships other than committed monogamous heterosexual ones.
How amazing and valuable is the love that you can feel for yourself? Which will accompany you for your whole life. Or how amazing can be a few weeks long relationship which maybe opened your eye in a lot of ways?

unexpected challenges

thoughts

I had a very unexpected difficulity/challenge while visiting Montenegro. The first time when I was at a place that was unusual, interesting or beautiful for me I recoiled.

I was thinking: how can I take in all I see, hear and feel at this place? What is the essence of this place, why is it beautiful, how is it beautiful, what does it mean to me, how does it make me feel?

My best answer for this right now is time. When I’m at a beautiful natural place for example for just ten minutes somehow I feel so distant from that place, it’s like I’m looking at a photo or watching a documentary. I don’t feel anything. But when I spend more time, couple of hours or more if I have the opportunity I’m slowly starting to connect with the place. The sounds are slowly starting to reach me. I feel, see and sense everything that’s around me. And I become a part of it.

thoughts about turism

thoughts, travel

When I visited Kotor I had some thoughts about turism and traveling. My hosts encouraged me that I must go and see Kotor, it’s an amazing place in Montenegro.

I wasn’t really excited for turisty places, but the sea and the architecture of the old town convinced me.

When I was there walking around I felt that this is a truly beautiful and interesting place to see. But at the same time I felt repulsed and angry about how much turism change the atmosphere of the place.

As time passed I thought more about this topic and two opposite opinions started to form  inside me. One was that turism shouldn’t even exist and we should learn to travel and visit places in a way that places like Kotor wouldn’t need to change at all for our comfort. Or, my other thought was that this is just how this place is and turisty restaurants and caffes, people from all around the world passing by, taking photographs are a part of it. And I should appreciate the place how it is right now.

thoughts on traveling so far

thoughts, travel

What I really loved so far: my independence, my feeling of freedom, constant new and unusual stimuli: colors, textures, objects, architecture, nature, human faces, animals, city spaces, the feeling of being on the go, listening to people, seeing people’s home and everyday lives, music, food

What made me uncomfortable so far: when I feel like I loose control of the situation I’m in, experiencing too much of the place’s culture in a way that it effects me so much that I’m starting to forget my own thoughts and views about life, ocasional feeling of being lost or pointless

thankful for friends

thoughts

I had a thought lately when I was walking around in the city with someone I got to know not so long ago whom I think we could became good friends with.
It was a rather melancolic feeling about how he will never know me, he would only know his perception of the version of myself when I’m around him.

And this is sad in a way because this means that noone really knows me. But at the same time thinking about all my versions created by the presence and perception of all the people who are close to me makes me feel joyful. I think it’s fascinating, without them these versions which are very much part of me wouldn’t exist at all.

thoughts on stochastic creation

art, design, thoughts

Something came into my mind since I wrote my last post about trying to understand beauty. If beauty is the number of good choices made in order to create an object, why are randomly, stochasticly created things beautiful? For example paint randomly poured to a canvas or treeleaves fallen to the ground in a random order?

Is this stohastic process actually made out of many unintentional choices determined by the laws of physics? Are these radomly created objects the result of many choices the same way as an intentionally designed object is, only difference is that not we are who are making them.