what is my ptsd like these days + changes

CSA series, what's up with me

new memories: From time to time I get access to a little bit more information of the past. It is overwhelming. I feel a bit disoriented and confused… there is something I wasn’t aware of before and now I am.

suicidal days: I want to start by saying that I get help from professionals and friends too, so on these days I always have someone to contact. Usually, it lasts for a day or half a day and then it just stops.

flashbacks: Sometimes the flashbacks take me back to a feeling, hopelessness, fear, a feeling of being in a really bad situation. Sometimes it is like a ghost sensation. For example, feeling my throat closing or feeling that something is behind me.

problems with connecting: Many times I have trouble connecting with people at work or while spending time with friends. People naturally react to each other and I feel like I’m on a totally different wavelength.

New changes in my life! I switched to a different workplace. It is also in a kitchen. It is not a vegan place but there are vegan, vegetarian meals. It has a much better atmosphere and much better equipment.

Soon my plan is to visit Stockholm!! it will be so amazing


awesome, cool people who have been sexually abused or assaulted

CSA series

Just a few people I have thought about. They are absolutely awesome, love and respect to them. ❤

Edie Sedwick

How cool is she?! She invented a new style that was irresistible for so many people. She lived and enjoyed her life in such a free and wild way. I’m amazed by all of her accomplishments despite the tremendous amount of disadvantage and pain.


Jeni Haynes

The things she did mentally to survive the abuse she experienced is incredible, it’s almost like she has superpowers. And the fact that she has a will to enjoy her life after all that happened to her is nothing but applaudable. She has a Phd. and she won her court case.

Képtalálat a következőre: „lady gaga”

Lady Gaga

I love her song Till it happens to you and all of her efforts to support lgbtq+ people. I enjoy her songs and I admire her unique talent and dedication. My favorite songs are Born this way and Joanne.

Why therapy is super important and awesome

CSA series, thoughts

So I thought I can deal with my traumas on my own.. for sure 😀 I always planned doing therapy at one point, but I didn’t think it was necessary right now.
But I got stuck with my healing so I went to see a therapist and it’s so awesome!!
In my particular situation I think I could figure out a lot of things on my own with online sources so I wasn’t missing any information, but counseling gave me something totally different I needed.
I could uncover my memories and be honest with myself and let out feelings each day on my own, but having a conversation with someone regularly gave me a lot of support and a space to express myself. It was great to talk to someone who understands the dynamics and consequences of childhood sexual abuse very well and many times when I expressed my thoughts and feelings about the abuse or about something in my life right now she gave me her feedback or opinion about it or she rephrased it in a way that made so much sense and helped me so much.
And it’s great to be in an environment where my specific issues are 100% understood and accepted, because generally in the world that’s not the case.

Childhood sexual abuse – let’s break the silence! 4

CSA series

How to talk to someone or be close to someone who went through childhood sexual abuse

Probably each person who went through childhood sexual abuse has a different approach to this topic and has different needs and wishes regarding how other people relate to their trauma.
These are my wishes and thoughts about this:

1 Give empathy! There was a time when the person was in a situation where he or she received 0 empathy and 0 care from another person, the perpetrator. He or she experienced a tremendous amount of pain but never got any empathy. After the person discovers about the trauma, in order to heal it will be essential to receive empathy from many different people in many different ways.

2 Be curious, don’t be distant! To me it was very important to have conversations that are open and where we can talk about any aspect of my life that was impacted by the trauma. It was also important to me to share my healing journey, especially my most freeing and beautiful moments. In many of my conversations the other person shared something in their life or added something to my healing and I think moments like that can be really really precious.

3 Don’t underestimate the trauma! Any kind of sexual trauma has very serious consequences, please be aware of the significance of it.

4 Don’t connect the person to the abuse! It is very important to know that the person who experienced the abuse never chose about it in any way. The trauma will have many consequences and it will impact the life of the person, but the fact that she or he was abused says nothing about her or him.

5 Don’t put the person in a box! Probably everyone has an idea about what a person would look like or act like who was abused at some point in their life. In many cases these assumptions are just not right about that specific person.

6 Don’t make predictions! I think it’s natural to make predictions about someone’s healing path or time or needed therapy methods or to try to predict the challenges they will face. But every trauma is different and every person is different and I think these kind of predictions can be incorrect and harmful.

7 See beyond the trauma! Yes, a trauma is a very significant part of a person’s life, but it’s not the only thing about him or her. Probably there are many things about the person that has nothing to do with the abuse and that’s him or her too!

8 Let us speak! I think this is the most natural human behavior: if something happens, we talk about it and we have feelings about it. We do these when the event that happened was significant, insignificant, good or bad. Just as any other person about any event we deserve the same way to talk about our trauma whenever we want to, whatever we want to and in whatever form or way we want to.

9 Be patient and understanding! There can be many situations, social, sexual, work related, etc. where the person who experienced the abuse in the past is not able to participate in something, be fully present or accomplish something because of the trauma. Please understand that in these situations the person is not unmotivated or neglectful, but at the moment he or she doesn’t have the ability to participate in the situation.

10 Include us! Someone who was never abused can be very shocked when the person shares his or her abuse story. I think it’s a natural first reaction to think in a distancing way of the person telling about the abuse: to think that the person has a very different life and a very different life path and it can seem very difficult or impossible to connect with someone who seems so far away.
I think it is a very different life and very different life path, but there are so many things that people – with or without abuse in their pasts – can have in common. And it is possible for people with different pasts become close.

Childhood sexual abuse – Let’s break the silence! 3

CSA series

The healing process

This is how the healing process went in my particular case.

1/ How it came up
I started to have a recurring thought: I was sexually abused as a child. The thought was totally out of context, without any memory, just the sentence on it’s own. After a while it got more and more frequent and had more and more emotional impact on me. It got to a point where I had to face it. I stopped and enabled myself to think about the topic and I gave permission for any thought or feeling that wanted to come up.

I also let the question open inside me: did it actually happen or do I have this thought for some other reason.

2/ Physiological responses
I started to do some research about the topic and I started to write a list of my earliest memories, which was from the age of 8-9. At this point I didn’t have any memories before this age. I wrote all memories that I could recall, I was listening to music with headphones and I was very much tuned in, I was in a relaxed state of mind with my eyes closed. Then suddenly I zoomed in, I went very deep in my mind, it was similar to dreaming. My heart started to beat really fast, also my breathing became very fast, it became faster and faster, it reached a point, then everything slowed down and I “woke up”. After this my body trembled for a while and I was very sensitive for noises, I could get scared of ordinary noises. This happened 3 more times in the next few days.

3/ Flashbacks
I started to have flashbacks. I went into a state of mind where I would feel/sense different aspects of the abuse. Sometimes it was an emotional feeling: everything is falling apart around me, sometimes I felt that anything I see or touch or hear is unbearably ugly or unpleasant. I felt really deep sadness or really deep anger and disgust. I felt left alone, without any help, I felt a lot of hopelessness and despair.
Sometimes it was a physical sensation, a dull feeling in my body. I experienced these flashbacks for about 3 months, I was in these states of mind almost constantly.

4/ Thoughts and feelings
I started to write about the topic, I wrote about the physiological responses and the flashbacks I was having, I also tried to guess what could have happened to me in the past. And I started to write my feelings and thoughts about childhood sexual abuse in general. Letting out my feelings and writing them down liberated me. While I was writing I discovered many statements or views I had about the world or myself that were false, that developed in me because of the abuse. Realizing this made those false statements go away.
With writing down what happened and unfolding the dynamism of the abuse it became clear to me that it was a crime against me and all responsibility lies with the perpetrator and none with me.
I expressed my sadness through writing, playing the guitar and drawing. And I expressed my anger through breaking things.
I wrote in detail about what exactly my trauma means to me. Understanding what exactly is my pain and giving empathy to myself made a huge difference.

5/ Visual flashbacks
I had some visual images coming back of the abuse. One image was especially haunting me, so I decided to draw it in a symbolic way. I looked at it for some time to face my fears, then I tore it up, spat on it and threw it out.

6/ Behavioral patterns
Just as any other behavioral pattern, the behavioral patterns of the abuse got stored in my brain. Luckily I wasn’t using them, they were just there passively, taking up space. With time these patterns just naturally left and disappeared. (Edit: What I meant by this is that because I experienced a terrible way of interaction, the abuse, I had stored that in my brain. But at the same time I experienced good ways to interact too at my schools and with my friends. So I had both ways of interactions stored. And when the knowledge of the interactions of the abuse came to surface I had to concentrate on never chosing that option and always chosing the option of healthy, good and kind interaction. And doing this with time the good patterns got stronger and the abusive patterns could fade away.)

7/ Talking about the trauma with other people
Starting to talk about what happened can be extremely difficult, it can almost feel impossible at times. Talking to other people made a huge difference to me, it was a huge shift from something that I dealt with alone to something I could talk about. Sharing my experience and hardships with others made my journey much easier.
First, I talked to people at online support chats. Then, after a while I told someone about my recurring thought and flashbacks that I recently met, but felt comfortable with. After that I told to a few of my friends and with time I told to most of my friends. It was a natural process and at each time I felt this urge inside and felt ready to share it with the person.
I used the online hotline of RAINN from time to time to talk about the abuse and about where I’m at with my healing. It helped me so much, because the volunteers on the hotline have a good knowledge about childhood sexual abuse and gave me great advises.

I also watched youtube videos of people talking about their healing journey. These helped me so much because I could know in advance what was about to happen and seeing them facing their trauma, being so strong convinced me that I can do that too.

8/ Letting in good sexual experiences
A very important part of my healing was to have very good and healthy sexual experiences and let them heal me. Luckily I had many experiences like that and I could let those experiences and memories make changes inside me.
I had one very healing meditative session where I relaxed and let myself reach the very deep part of my mind where I stored the painful memories of the abuse. And when I reached that part of my mind I thought about a very positive experience and in a way I left that very positive experience there to override and neutralize the traumatic memories. After that it felt like the traumatic memories were still there, but they didn’t have any emotional effect on me.

9/ Replaying the trauma
I replayed some aspects of the trauma both with a partner and on my own. Replaying the trauma gave me more detail about what happened and had a calming, freeing effect. When I replayed the trauma on my own I involuntarily got into a state where I had very little conscious presence and I almost thought I was 4 years old actually living the trauma. I acted out mostly what I did after the trauma and heard all my thoughts that I had back then. This happened 2 times, both started when I was dancing at home and I started to do unconsciously a dance move that would start the replay.
This was the point in the healing, where I could see the trauma as a linear narrative. Up to this point I only had many foggy, ambiguous pieces of memory that would float without structure, many of the memory pieces were only words, more like a symbol than a concrete thing or event.

10/ Forgiving
At the first part of the healing I thought that I wouldn’t going to forgive. I heard many stories where the person who went through the abuse forgave the abuser, which I found very beautiful and inspiring, but I couldn’t imagine myself doing that. I knew the tremendous amount of damage it caused in my life and I knew that it could have had way worse consequences. I exactly knew the amount of pain that I went through and forgiving seemed crazy and impossible to me.
I decided I’m not going to forgive, I will understand and accept what happened to me, but forgiving isn’t something I could do. I accepted this and went on with my days.
Then, suddenly at a random moment, totally out of context it just hit me. I was in my kitchen, I was opening a cabinet to find something to eat and I just felt this huge amount of love and forgiveness and joy. It was such a freeing joyful moment. At this point I felt forgiveness towards life or the world generally. It was absolutely illogical and unexpected.
Later on I had a similar moment where I forgave the perpetrator. And only after that I had a moment where I forgave myself.

11/ Healing the amygdala
At some point I started to think about fear and how I experience fear. I felt that there is a huge amount of fear somewhere trapped inside me. I did research about how fear works and I found out about the amygdala, which is a very fundamental part of the brain responsible for most primary functions, fear, rage or sexual feelings. When I experienced the trauma my amygdala became extremely active and since then it wasn’t working as if it got frozen. I realized I had to start using my amygdala again and gradually lower it’s intensity. With high stress level I got high cortisol level that I also had to lower with walking, sunbathing, eating certain food and sleeping a lot.

12/ Breaking the abuse
Even tough the sexual abuse stopped at a very young age, still at the age of 25 I had this almost unnoticeable feeling of this dark power over me. It was like a ghost somewhere around me. It didn’t stop me from doing anything I wanted to do in my life, but I could sense that it still had a very little impact on me.
Luckily with time, writing, talking and just living each day knowing what happened and knowing that it has no power over me anymore that ghost slowly disappeared. When I felt that dark power disappearing I simultaneously felt so much love coming in. It felt as if that dark power wouldn’t let me experience love fully, even though there were so many people who expressed love to me. As the abuse broke, all that love I ever received finally reached me, it was just a huge wobbly ball of love hitting me suddenly.
To achieve this I would say out loud: stop abusing me, get out, I don’t give permission for you to be here, you can’t abuse me, etc.

13/ Uncertainty
Maybe one of the most challenging part of the healing was the uncertainty I felt at many points in my healing. Because the sexual abuse happened so long ago and it’s a type of crime that doesn’t leave any tangible evidence it can be very difficult to get to a solid statement: yes, it did happen or no, it didn’t happen. If it did happen, exactly what happened. For most of the healing process I wasn’t sure about any of this. I experienced an altering shift between knowing and not knowing about the abuse.
At the end what convinced me that it was real was the fact that everything I was experiencing through these months was exactly what all other people experienced who went through childhood sexual abuse. I also spent a lot of time thinking back throughout my life and I found so many events or little details that made so much sense in relation with the abuse. I could list 6 pages of these events or details. And when I thought about what is against it.. I couldn’t think about anything besides that I don’t want it to be true.

Childhood sexual abuse – let’s break the silence! 2

CSA series

How to heal from the trauma

Every trauma is unique and every healing journey is unique. I think there is no way to tell what could help someone who went through childhood sexual abuse, hopefully the person will instinctively search for people, art, information or experience that could help while getting a lot of support from friends, family members and also professionals.

This is how I dealt with the trauma throughout my life:

3-4          I experienced the trauma.

5-8          I knew what happened and I knew that it was a bad thing that happened to me, but I didn’t have a perspective on it, I didn’t know how big of an impact it will have on my life. I also didn’t know what is most people’s view on the topic or how often it happens.

8-15        I think somewhere around 8 I realized how bad it actually was, it was a feeling of facing reality, as if something heavy drops inside you. The trauma was so much to understand, I had to temporarily move into a fantasy world. In this time period I was living in my own world, which was a very idealistic, fairy tale-like inside world. I spent a lot of time just looking at nature or animals, doing creative activities, like writing poems or drawing.
In this period my memories about the abuse started to fade. They became less approachable each day. They went from a clear memory to a incomprehensible dull feeling to eventually nothing.

15-22        At 15 I noticed, I’m so much inside my own little world, I’m not doing all the fun things a 15 year old girl could do, why is that? I thought to myself, I want to change that! I want to be social and I want to experience, search for new interests and just live a full life. Little by little I found people, experiences and interests that slowly built me up. I chose a career that I really liked and started my studies. Everything was going really well, until…

22            I was at the end of my studies, I was doing really well, I had great friends and a great relationship, I was about to move out on my own and start working. I could have been really satisfied and happy with my situation, but I wasn’t at all. I was so frustrated and so scared and so confused. It felt like everything is falling apart and nothing makes sense. The only thing I was sure about that I have to move away on my own and become independent.

23            I moved away and started to live on my own. Not much after this I finished my studies and was ready to start working. Moving away helped a lot, but I was still feeling very confused and frustrated about starting my life. I started to apply for jobs, but I knew something is wrong.

24             I realized through many very embarrassing unsuccessful attempts that I can’t work in a traditional way. It made me so anxious I just wanted to run out of the workplace after a few hours, I knew I had to do something else. I had no idea why this was happening, especially because I had no problem with going to school, I assumed, something is wrong with me..
I thought the best I can do is to find a way of working that doesn’t make me anxious. After some searching I found freelancing, I never thought of it before, but I tried and I really liked it so I decided to go with it.

When my issues with work settled and I was working happily for online clients I also started to do some soul searching, I thought a lot about myself and life and my past. I found a creative energy inside me that I never knew about. It was a very difficult time, but I knew I was on a right track and doing a job that I love made me very satisfied and gave me the energy to deal with my deepest hardest feelings.

25               I started to have a thought popping up in my mind without any context from time to time: I was sexually abused as a child. It was just a thought without any context or any memory, just the sentence on it’s own. I thought this is crazy, why am I thinking about this? Nothing happened to me.. And I just ignored it for a while. But as time passed the thought became more frequent and had more emotional impact on me. It got to a point where I had to face it. I stopped and said to myself, alright, I don’t know why I have this thought but it’s clear it’s something important. I enabled myself to think about it and I gave permission for any thought or feeling to come up. I also left the question open inside me: did it actually happen or I have this thought for some other reason.

From that point my memories came back to me. It was an extremely challenging and painful process with many uncertainty at each point. I healed so much in so many ways. I will discuss the process in detail in my next post.


Childhood sexual abuse – let’s break the silence! 1

CSA series

So, I decided to do a little series here about childhood sexual abuse, how to prevent it, how to heal from it or how to be there for someone who experienced the abuse.
These are all my personal thoughts based on my experience and research, I hope it can help!

What can you do to prevent it?

1 Talk about sex and sexuality with your children from the beginning openly. Affirm them that they decide about their bodies and warn them about sex offenders. Talk with them about what is a healthy sexual act/relationship and what is not. The more they are informed and comfortable with talking about the topic it is less likely that they will be abused.

2 Teach them critical thinking, teach them that not all adults should be trusted, most importantly teach them to trust their own judgement and empower them to make their own decisions (that are appropriate to their age)

3 Believe them and listen to them. If they try to tell about an abuse, listen to it, ask more about it. They might try to tell about it in a symbolic/metaphoric way.

4 You can’t predict in any way if someone is a sex offender or not. In many cases the perpetrator is someone who the people around never thought could be an abuser. The perpetrator can be anyone, someone you knew for a long time, someone who acts kindly, or has a respectable career.

5 Look out for signs, there are so many recognizable signs on children who are sexually abused that you can spot. The signs, consequences vary, but here are some: escaping into daydreaming or fantasies, nightmares, the feeling of being insignificant, difficulties to speak about them self, copying the abusive behavior of the perpetrator and acting hurtful, manipulative or sexually abusive to others.
When the abuse is happening the child doesn’t understand it yet, so at this point they can be cheerful most of the time.

let’s speak up

CSA series, thoughts, what's up with me

I wanted to write about my last few months. From around January I started to discover that I was sexually abused and raped as a child at the age of 3 and 4.
It is so important to talk about these topics openly, it is a very complex issue that effects a huge percentage of population.
I think I will write about this topic from time to time because raising awareness and speaking from a personal perspective I think could be a good step towards the fight against sexual violence.